Drive From Dubois to Casper “On Loneliness”
I enjoyed the four hour drive from Dubois to Casper. It was a delight to chat with Pamela as we drove to her graduation and spoke of her ordination the following day. We spoke of sense of isolation and loneliness which has gripped our culture and has been so much worse during Covid. I was thinking about novel, The Martian Chronicles by Ray Bradbury. In the story we are told that the psychological and spiritual force which propelled a fictitious journey to Mars was “The Great Lonliness”
As we watched the landscape slowly transform from snow capped mountains to rolling hills to grassy prairies, we listened to the podcast On Being in which Krista Tippet interviews Vivek Murthy, the U.S. surgeon general about our epidemic of loneliness.
In the interview, Murthy spoke of loneliness being pressing health crises. I commend the interview with you (see link below). Even before Covid, many were feeling the profound burden of social isolation which is a major contributing factor to mental and physical distress.
Among the correctives for loneliness, Murthy suggests, is incorporated periods of solitude. This is very counter-intuitive. “If I am really lonely, do I really need more time alone?” He explains:
“….But loneliness is not so much about how many people you have around you. It’s about whether you feel like you belong. It’s about whether you truly know your own value and feel like you are connected to other people. It’s about the quality of your relationships with others and yourself. The solitude is important because it’s in moments of solitude, when we allow the noise around us to settle, that we can truly reflect, that we can find moments in our life to be grateful for. But those moments of solitude have become increasingly rare because all of the white space in our life has been filled by our devices. Back in the day when I was waiting for a bus, that’s the time I would just sit down and I would think.”
He also shared during a very dark time in his own life, a friend told him
“Vivek, you know what your problem is?” She said, “Your problem is not that you don’t have friends.” She said, “Your problem is you’re not experiencing friendships.” She said, “If you called any one of those people you had lost touch with, they’d be more than happy to talk to you, much happier than you realize.” So she said, “You have to get over your shame and your sense of embarrassment at not being in touch and just reach out. And you’ll find that people are also hungry for human connection.”
He concluded the interview with a kind of benediction which I very much needed to hear.
“…raise your right hand and place it over your heart and close your eyes. And I want you to think about the people who have loved you over the years, the people who have been there for you during difficult times, who have supported you without judging you, and who stood by your side even when it was hard. Think about the people who have celebrated your moments of greatest joy with you, the people who saw your successes as theirs, the people who derived such pleasure and fulfillment from seeing you happy. Just feel their love flowing through you, lifting you up, brightening your mood, and filling your heart. And know that that love is always there, even if they are not physically with you, because you carry that love in your heart. And know that you are and always will be worthy of that love. It came to you because you deserved it.
And now open your eyes.
What you felt in that brief meditation, that was the power of love. That is the power of social connection. That is our birthright. It’s who we were designed to be and what we were designed to experience. All of us, regardless of what walk of life we’re in, we have the ability to shine a light on the bright spots. Whether those are relationships that bring joy or movements in our community that are helping grow connection — it’s where we choose to focus our attention, it’s where we use our power to focus the attention of others that ultimately determines whether or not we create more light in the world or more darkness.
But I just want all of you to know, just as I want my own children to know, just as I remind myself as well, that we are all worthy of love and connection. Even in those moments where we feel that we perhaps aren’t. Even those moments where we feel like we’re the only one who might be struggling. The truth is we are not alone. There are others out there who want what we want. A world that is more connected. A world where we can actually be there for one another. A world that’s actually powered by love. And that is within our grasp. We only have to see it, to name it, and to start taking actions in our day-to-day lives to build that world and reflect those values”
I was grateful that we were in the car looking forward so that she could not see the tears welling up in my eyes.
See full interview
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